Accepting Applications for Zach's Best Friend (also known as Why I Hate Play Dates)

Alright, look at this kid.  How can you not want to be best friends with him?  Our poor Zachy.  The kid has been having a tough couple of weeks realizing he doesn't have a "best friend".  (As a third child, he is lucky if his mom and dad acknowledge him bi-weekly).  We are SO lucky that both Ben and Maddie have a friend that lives right next door that they can play pretty much without supervision and without any scheduling.  But Zach has no such luck.  He has Wes.  Who destroys everything and laughs about it.  So, I have decided I need to take applications to seek out a best friend for Zach. 

Here are some requirements I have come up with for the mom of said best friend:
1.  You must live right next to me or be willing to move right next to me.  I am not nearly organized nor motivated enough to schedule a play date that will require me to travel any distance over 100 feet. 
2.  You must quickly come to the realization that I suck at reciprocating play dates.  I just do.  I love for you to take my kid a few hours (giving me time to read a book or update a blog, perhaps) but I don't want your kids to come to my house.  It stresses me out. 
3.  It would also be nice if you feel sorry for me and say once in a while, "no of course Wesley can come with Zach to play.  I love your kids and they are welcome to come over whenever they want."
4.  You can't be a mom that plans fancy birthday parties.  You just can't.  You make me feel to bad about my own birthday party planning skills and raise the bar for my kids who wonder why their mom doesn't love them enough to buy coordinating decorations and great goody bags.  OR, bonus points for being a mom who likes to plan awesome birthday parties so much you just go ahead and plan mine too!
5.  It's okay if you like to do arts and crafts.  Zach loves arts and crafts and would love to do arts and crafts at your house.  Just make sure he knows that we don't do that kind of stuff at our house.
6.  It would be great if you owned a trampoline.  Zach also loves trampolines.  That ain't happening here. 
7.  Must love to play board games.  But if you play Monopoly, make sure you play by the Brogan house rules as to not confuse Zach when we play at our house:  you each get to roll the dice five times and whoever gets the farthest on the board wins.  If you ruin this for me, the best friend relationship will be immediately terminated.

Zach says he doesn't have any specific requirements and will consider applicants between the ages of 4 and 6, although a 5 year old is preferred.  I told him he can't ask that kind of question in an interview.  Let me know if you would like to apply!  I'm sure the competition is going to be stiff, so bribes of Diet Pepsi are highly encouraged.